Panic Attacks and the Fear of Dying Alone

Today I want to talk about how the fear of dying alone relates to both relationships and panic attacks, using the fiction lens of Four Women and a Funeral, from season 2 episode 5 of Sex and the City. Admittedly, it is not a great episode. It does, however, have many interesting death topics to explore.

The episode starts with the death of a fashion designer and long time friend of Carrie. As a distraction to contemplating her inevitable impending mortality, she reaches out to her ex, Big, and asks him out to dinner. They have a conversation about what happens when you die. Carrie believes in reincarnation, while Big hopes that heaven is a big bed where they just say “come on in,” a rather creative idea. And by the end of the episode Carrie is back with Big, despite knowing that he is bad for her.

Meanwhile, Miranda is confronting her own mortality in a different way. Upon moving into the apartment she bought for herself, she nearly chokes to death, but manages to throw herself on the edge of a box to dislodge the food just in time. Later, while walking around her new neighborhood, she starts to feel woozy and hops in a cab to the hospital. There, she learns that she is not “drowning and dying at the same time” but actually having a panic attack. These events cause her to worry about being single and dying alone, which is a fear many of us share.  

I see bits of my own life reflected in the themes of this episode. I also had an epic awful panic attack right after I moved into my own apartment. In that moment I was convinced I was about to die. Only instead of calling an ambulance to go to the hospital like logical Miranda, I took a cue from Carrie and called my ex. At the time I knew he was the person closest to me in location and would be able to help me if I actually was dying. Our relationship was not rekindled, but I now had a new perspective on Carrie’s motivation in reaching out to Big when the thought of death became overwhelming. My understanding of the fear of dying alone was now undeniable.

After many more panic attacks, each one forcing me to confront my mortality head on, I realize now that when it is time for me to die I have to cross that threshold alone. Even if I have someone in the room with me, they cannot come on this journey. And that is the way it is for everyone, no matter how connected you are, or isolated you are, or wealthy, or poor, or anything else that separates us from one another in life. Realizing that helped relieve the pressure of the fear of dying alone for me. Everyone before me has done it, and if they can do it, so can I.

Now, if that still seems a little too bleak for you, then I challenge you to look even further, to what you believe happens when we die. Maybe, like Big, you believe there are people waiting for us on the other side of the threshold, so we are never actually alone at all. If we don’t have people on this side that’s fine because someone is there to welcome us on the other side. Maybe, like Carrie, you believe in reincarnation, so you cross that threshold directly into a new body and a new life. Whatever it is, find the belief that brings you comfort and peace. Work on confronting this fear now so you can make decisions about the people in your life rooted in true compatibility instead of a fear of ending up alone.